The Honey Spot

So, the other day my wittiest, most entertaining, and typically most inappropriate email pen pal and I were having our usual bullet- pointed discourse revolving around, well, ourselves.  Our problems at the moment, our social beverage-filled adventures (translation, what happened over the weekend), our worries, our hopes, our love lives, the list goes on and on (and to this day I swear if I published these chats, I’d be a bajillionaire, but he selfishly won’t let me pursue this soul-selling endeavor).  Regardless, my final bullet point on one email stated thus… Don’t forget to say happy birthday on Thursday, I can already tell this is going to be a rough one.

In one simple sentence, and on a birthday nearing 30, I admitted oh so many things.  To provide a little insight, I recently moved home to Dallas after resigning from a near six-figure corporate job, in a recession nonetheless (I remember someone’s response being, do you always have to go against the grain?), and moved in with my parents initially.  I ended a long term relationship with a wonderful, intelligent and communicative man (crazy, I know).  Thus, putting me in the position of single female, something preferred in the South to sitting in the center airplane seat headed to China.  Oh, and did I mention I’m gainfully part-time employed and still use my bedding from college? Presented this way, I seem nothing short of, simply put, not right in the head.  At least, that’s what other people were implying.

In my pen pal’s never-ending mission to talk things out with me and make me feel better slash get over my pity-party of one, he imparted his latest theory of life wisdom upon me.  According to my wise sage, our late 20’s and early 30’s are undeniably the time we should capitalize on in our lives as human beings.  His theory began with three simple elements, which he called the “happiness factors.”

1. Independence and freedom
2. Financial stability to enjoy this freedom
3. A group of friends to partake in this freedom and financial stability with on a regular basis

In math terms: 1 (independence and freedom) + 2 (money) + 3 (friends) = HAPPINESS

The core of his theory compares “unsure” young adults to a variety of other age groups and begins around age 18.  In high school, and even remotely in college, the equation lacks one and two severely.  We’re under our parents’ roofs, their inane laws and their control… I.E. their money.

Now, skip ahead to young newlyweds or early parenthood.  Independence and freedom are out the door when taking on the responsibility of another person in marriage.  If you’re a young couple with kids, you lack freedom and if not many others in your circle of friends have reached the point of reproducing, you often lack number three as well.  Friends that understand what you’re going through.  To push forward even more, with moving into your 30’s and 40’s comes more and more money (factor three), and yet often through time your group of friends becomes more limited as your life revolves around soccer games, groundings, deaths of pets, slumber parties, birds & bees talks… you get the point.  PLUS, you have to tote offspring around, taking away at least some freedom.  So, let’s break it down simply.

Highschool = +3-1 -2 = 0
Early Parenthood = +2-1-3 = -2
Grown Up Real Life = +2-3-1 = -2

Anyone can see the equations above aren’t looking so favorable.  Before I go any further, I want to point out that I do not view marriage at a young age, children, or any of the above as bad or as indicators of unhappiness.  In all fairness, maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better.  HOWEVER, it seems that my specific category, which has yet to be turned into a math problem, must be addressed.

Almost everyone in the position of discussion is employed and paid a fairly decent amount, thus giving them financial stability.  Most everyone I know lives independently of their parents, and regardless of relationship status, less responsibility exists for others, therfore granting a broader definition of freedom.  Finally, there’s a plethora of young adults throughout the Dallas Metroplex, enabling friendships galore.  Point being, we encapsulate all three factors: 3+ 2 + 1 = 6.  My genius pen pal inventor of this equation calls it the “Honey Spot.”

Right now, I constantly have anxiety about my “purpose” in life.  I consistently feel like I’m not living up to my potential, and that’s clearly not a Honey Spot to be found in my world.  Yet, a lot of those feelings of inadequacy stem from what other people think SHOULD BE the Honey Spot.  In a time that as young adults so many of us feel the constant pressure to “get our lives together” (what does that even mean?) from forces and societal norms whose presence has yet to be determined in my book, what’s wrong with just enjoying where we are?

One day I DO want a husband… I want a family… I want friends who have kids around the same age as my own.  That is how I grew up and I would never change a second of it, nor would my parents (well, maybe a few seconds centering on police calls, overdrawn bank accounts, grades, etc.).  However, at this moment, I no longer want to feel like where I am and who I am equates to the wrong answer.  I let others’ not so subtle opinions get to me easily forgetting that I have made the choices to put me where I am.  Forgetting that I, in fact, was not ready to get married to aforementioned “wonderful man.”  Forgetting that I had moved home to find something I loved to do with my life regardless of what’s considered a “good job.”  Forgetting that just because what I chose for me right now is different than others my age, it is what I want.  I keep forgetting that I am ok… No, that I am happy with me.

So what is the answer?  My emailing buddy’s argument, while persuasive, lacks a significant variable:  the individual in question.  Wherever you are right now, whether it be  a single  young adult, a young newlywed, a young parent, semi- satisified with your job… Whatever you are, evaluate and do one of two things.  Either remember you’re there for a reason and embrace it, regardless of others’ opinions, or start looking for your own honey spot.

What happened to the age old saying “to each their own?”  Don’t let others dictate where you should be, what should make you happy, and most importantly, don’t let others make you think there’s ONE Honey Spot for any given period of your life.  What would be the fun in that?

Our generation never stops frantically grasping for the next move.  We struggle with being satisfied at exactly where we are.  We do not stop and appreciate our blessings, and we always want more.  And, that’s exactly where we lose sight of potential happiness.  Remembering who you are, what you stand for, and what you want in a world of ever-persistent outside factors that so easily affect our personal views… THAT’S the Honey Spot.  Be yourself.  Push yourself.  Set lofty goals, but do not forget to enjoy the moments that lead you to where you want to go.

The real solution?  The Honey Spot is simple.  It’s you.  It’s where you are right now… Life is at its fullest in the moment you’re in.  Enjoy.