Losing Reality

I listen to relationship stories of my friends and acknowledge that finding love is an age-old conversation.  As much as I’ve seen and experienced in life, I was still shocked, amazed and had to pinch myself as I read a recent article from the New York Times Magazine.  Titled “Love in 2-D,” the article discusses the current trend in Japan for grown up men having “relationships” with anime characters, such as are viewed on Saturday morning cartoons.

The article focused on a man named Nisan, whose real-life girlfriend had left him brokenhearted.  Reeling from that experience, he chose a large pillowed image of an anime character named Nemutan to consider his girlfriend.  If that’s not odd enough, he takes the pillow with him in the car’s back seat, and seats her across from him at cafes and coffee shops.  In an interview, he is tremendously serious about their relationship and discusses it with reverence.  Others in Japan refer to 2-D love as a “movement.”  That’s interesting, albeit somewhat troubling.

It’s estimated that more than 25% of adults 30-34 years old are virgins in Japan.  Further, it’s estimated that half of the population does NOT have a friend of the opposite sex.  It isn’t clear from the article if women are equally compelled to direct their affection for a male anime character, but it does illustrate the growing cultural trend of otaku (obsessive 2D anime fans) evolving into moe (romantic love for 2-D characters).  This trend speaks volumes about modern society and the alternatives we seek when finding real love (what is real anymore?) proves to be difficult.

Consider the options available to the contemporary romantic.  We can become members of websites promoting romance, enter our own ads online, meet up with potential romantic partners at bars and, naturally, meet through other friends.  Even with all these available channels of communication, we don’t seem to be able to connect.  Perhaps all the technical advances in society have finally blurred the line between fantasy and reality and found their way into the fabric of romance and relationships.  Are 2-D love relationships a testament to the notion that we’ve finally crossed the line of acceptable substitutes for love?  In Japan, the 2-D craze may be gaining momentum, but what about domestically?

Imagine an episode of Sex And the City where an image of a Saturday morning cartoon character finds its way to a pillow case cover and men throughout NYC are seen carrying them on subways, in taxis and placing it next to them in chic restaurants.  Doesn’t it seem highly unusual that we’d witness that behavior in America?  And though we might not see it in public, due its unacceptable nature, we have no idea what goes on inside the apartments and homes of lonely 30 or 40-somethings longing for romance.  Does “don’t ask, don’t tell” apply here, or do we need to consider interventions for people who opt out of real love and grasp at fantasy?

As I consider the reasons that the world of non reality could be appealing to many people, some of them actually make sense.  I mean, a 2-D lover never talks back to you, always does what’s asked and always smiles at you.  We all know that no relationship ever looks like that.  Further, the 2-D lover never ages, always looks the same and is well-known.  So, you could claim to your friends that you’re dating a celebrity and not be lying.  In the case of Nisan, there is no jealousy, since his 2-D lover never glances at anyone else or sleeps around.  She’s always with him so he knows where she is at all times.  She doesn’t cost a lot of money to feed and clothe and makes no demands of him.  And what of the porn addict who substitutes real sex for fantasy sex?  Is the 2-D option actually a step up or is it in the same category?

It’s difficult to determine if this trend is pseudo-pornographic or creating an entire new category of “nurture” fantasy.  It seems that love, rather than sex, is the motivating factor here, so it appears akin to the person who sleeps with a teddy bear for security much like a child.  Perhaps it’s the element of comfort and nurturing that’s been missing in people’s lives and the 2-D phenomenon is an offshoot of that need being met at some level.  I have a hunch that underneath all of this strangeness is some type of truth that those resorting to 2-D love affairs missed out on loving and nurturing parental experiences.  Unable to express and receive love, it’s easier to cling to a pillow than do the emotional work required to function as a self reliant adult in society.

Developing emotional self-reliance would mean giving up the things that give us a sense of security and being able to generate that sense of security and safety within ourselves.  There probably aren’t enough therapists on the planet at this time to address the countless psychological needs that exist.  Short of assigning countless millions an individual therapist to work through their issues, I’ll go on record as saying that a 2-D love affair just might become the norm.  This creates a tragic situation in which the more we lose touch with our personal strengths, the more we lose the grip on reality.

In losing reality, all bets are off for a world inhabited by able-minded people making intelligent and prudent decisions, and it’s replaced with a world of people clinging to a dream of what life could be.  How perfect, then, for the movie makers and image makers to be our moral and emotional compasses and to let us off the hook for our own individual thinking.  The repercussions are endless and further complicate our already difficult task of honest and effective communication. As for me, I’ll continue going through the arduous work of generating self-reliance and though my account balance may be eroded by trips to professionals who can help, I’ll live with a smaller car, a smaller apartment but a larger heart with room to love another.

The Social Anthropologist (Dave Lopez) explores and comments on relevant issues affecting modern society with perspective, insight and humor.